SECRETS WOMEN WILL TAKE TO THEIR GRAVES

I

We love accusing men of being dishonest and giving them all manner of labels just to illustrate how untrustworthy they are. In fact, we might all be surprised when we find out that you were lying, but at the back of our minds we knew that you were not to be trusted.


 It is a well known fact that all men lie. And we might act innocent so as to preserve the right to pass judgment on men, but do not be fooled. 


The truth of the matter is: All men and women lie. Women are just better at concealing the truth. No matter how much a woman loves you, there are a few things she would rather take to the grave than confess to you.

Our past lovers
If a man sleeps with 20 women he is considered a hero amongst his peers. If a woman is seen with two different men coming from her house, she is considered a slut. Therefore, you don’t ask a woman how many boyfriends or better still, how many lovers she has had and expect an honest answer. She can tell you the truth and risk losing you because your ego won’t let you travel down a road so ‘many’ have travelled before. Or she can lie and eliminate the risk all together. So we tell you a number that is acceptable of a ‘dignified’ woman and to butter it all up, we claim that we were in love with the two or maximum three guys. The guys we slept with just to get back at our exes or when we were drunk, are left out of the equation, as far as you are concerned you might not be aware of our drinking history. That way, not only do we look principled, we are also loving and courageous enough to open our hearts (cough legs) to another man despite our previous heartbreaks. In addition, your ego is left unscathed. You must give us credit our lies are well thought out.

Naughty, naughty girls
How do I put this mildly? We might have been brought up in a strong religious family, our parents might have been preachers for all you know, but our bedroom techniques are anything but missionary. Of course, we shall pretend to fumble at first such that you will think that you taught us everything that we know (Again we think our lies through). What you don’t know is that before you, we had brought several men down to their knees leaving them screaming for more by simply using our mouths. So you can go claim how good a teacher you are but that naïve girl that you think you married has probably done some things that would make you blush.

We are all materialistic
Men should have discovered this long ago and yet they fall into the same trap over and over again. There has never been a time and it is highly unlikely that there shall ever come a time that a man will present a diamond ring and the woman will say “Why did you get me this? Couldn’t you get me a simple brass band?” We shall claim how we expect no gift from you and how all we really want for our anniversary is to ‘spend time with you’, but we hope you are smart enough or as most women like to put it, you appreciate us enough to give us a gift. The more extravagant the gift is the better. Yes, we all dream of men who will love and care for us but we hope that they will be able to express their love in form of Range Rovers, platinum credit cars and enormous houses or a fully furnished apartment at the very least.

We spy on you

We might act all cool, calm and collected when you introduce us to your female friends but the fact that you have so many female friends raises an alarm. The minute you leave the room and happen to have left your phone behind, we go through your phone just to check for any ‘suspicious activity’. Any female caller number that appears more than thrice is immediately red flagged and we make a point of finding out all we can about this woman that is so important that you have to speak to her three times a day. And that’s not all; we have spies who inform us of your movement. It could be your workmates or one of your own friends who has a thing for us and would not mind if you were out of the picture. If not the spies, we have the passwords to all your accounts from email to bank account and you wonder why most men get caught?

Barbie dolls
Men can claim that they want a woman who has some depth and inner beauty is what really matters. But at the end of the day, men don’t chase after the woman carrying the biggest encyclopedia or the girl with the big nerdy glasses and braces. They ogle at the women with the biggest assets either behind or on top, if you know what I mean. Women know this and you can’t blame a woman for seeking ways to expand her assets. For those who can afford it, they might have plastic surgery or the occasional Botox injection, as for the rest they use whatever means to look as attractive as possible. It could be expensive make up and even more expensive clothes, skin lightening creams, push up bras or padded hips. One thing is for certain, very few women are truly ‘all natural’.

We follow up
You would think that if a man had been lying to a woman for the whole course of their relationship, she would want nothing to do with him. You are wrong. Sure we might burn most of his gifts but there’s always that one gift that is either too precious as it reminds you of happier times or so expensive that it would be such a shame to throw it away (remember we are all materialistic). In addition, we inquire about an ex from time to time just to ensure that their lives didn’t get better after dumping us. In that way we fool ourselves into thinking that they must regret ever letting us go. This should not alarm you though as it doesn’t mean we don’t love you. Women just like to think that they are the best thing any man can have.

We never forget
All of your mistakes and all those times you make us mad, we never forget. We might forgive you but we never forget.

We fake it
We have already established that we fake or accentuate our looks. We also exaggerate what great cooks we are, act dumb or more learned depending on the man, feign concern about your friends, tolerate your family, pretend to care about your football games or that you have the most interesting job in the world. More importantly, we fake the orgasms or at least most women do. But here’s the thing, the gloves come off in all those other issues once you are married but for the orgasms we continue faking as we understand it is that important.

We settled for you
They are actually very few, lucky and blessed women who manage to meet their Prince Charming, that is, if they exist in the first place. For most women, it is the infamous biological clock that they hear ticking away and they decide it’s time to settle down. In other cases, it is a matter of doing the ‘honorable’ thing as they (or their parents) believe a child must be born and raised within the institution of marriage. Regardless of the reason, I can assure you that your wife at one point or another has thought to herself that she could have done better. If not, she has at least looked at another couple and wished her husband treated her that way.

Plan B
As I said, we might all act surprised but we know that all men are not to be trusted. We might play the role of adoring wife but we have a secret bank account just in case you decide to ‘abandon ship’ one day. It is for this same reason that women don’t tell men how much they earn and never return the change after an afternoon shopping.

The skeletons
These are the things that you shall never admit no matter how strong the evidence against you is. You shall deny, deny and deny till your last breath. You can’t admit to your future husband that you once had an abortion and even worse, it was as a result of a one night stand after a whole night of drinking in a club that you once worked as a striper! In the same way, he can never find out that you slept with his best friend whether it was a mistake or not. 

These are just some of our secrets. But we have become so good at keeping them that we have fooled men into thinking that we are ‘ladies’ when in real sense we are simply better skilled liars than men will ever b